Eat it
Brian Wills

I’ve never been a big dreamer. When I do dream it’s usually about sex anyway, so I’ve never had much reason to complain. However, as of late, I find that having an enormous and scrutinizing poster of my three (admittedly gorgeous) housemates on the wall above my bed pretty much guarantees that my dreams remain chaste, so my brain has to dig deep to find something more interesting to dream about than sex.
The last three days have been pretty good though, I have to say, despite the inability of my unconscious self to get laid. You see, for the past few nights, I’ve been dreaming of fish. Delicious, sweet, pink-fleshed salmon. With their silly jaws and fat soft bodies, they’re the perfect food. Heart healthy, too. And I simply cannot get enough of them. I have these wonderful visions of rushing into a crystal clear brook, bear-like and covered in hair, to gnash about expertly gathering enormous and flavorful salmon from the waters.

I want to eat salmon so very badly. Every time I wake up I’m starving, and I’ll go ransack the fridge, but to no avail. Far worse than a wet dream, because we never have any salmon, so I never get any closure.
All this changed on Sunday morning, when I woke up to the sweet smell of Lox wafting in from the porch. My housemates are probably the best people in the world, and they knew of my secret, uncontrollable quest for salmon which was climaxing just that morning. I have never been so hungry and bear-like. And they delivered. What better way to end a night of battling impairment than a bagel covered in thin-sliced fish-flesh? Anyway, I had a glorious breakfast and now I feel like I’m supposed to spread some kind of gospel of the fish. So I’m going to. Plus, there is a sale on salmon at Wegmans right now, so there isn’t any excuse (that may be a blatant lie).

I have a simple poached salmon recipe for you all, and it’s so easy that there isn’t any reason not to make it tonight. You could probably even cook it in a hotpot, if that was all you had access to. Anyway, first procure about twelve ounces of salmon. Whether you go to the grocery store to do this, or wade into a stream and tooth about aggressively, I leave up to you. Next, acquire some shallots, some infant carrots and an onion.
In case you’re confused as to the nature of the shallot, I will provide some facts. They are a mild, somewhat more expensive member of the onion family. They’re small, about the size of a Beirut ball. You can substitute an onion for them if you wish, but I’ll judge you. You’re also going to need two bottles of white wine. The drier the better. The only other resources you need to gather are some garlic, dill weed (saga has it) and Dijon mustard. Again, be resourceful. Follow the free. Oh, and you’re going to need some cream and butter. This is a small price to pay for eating something incredibly tasty.

Anyway, add equal portions of water and wine together in a container you can heat. I would suggest a pot. Three cups of each seem to be a fairly good starting point. Dice the carrots and onion, and add them to the mixture. Begin to drink the remainder of the wine (this is important), and heat the water to a simmer. Remove your fish from the deli paper it came in, or if you used the bear method, fillet it first. You’ll want to divide it using the greed/friends method. Weigh your options. Questions to ask: Do I have any friends? Do I care enough to share with them? Things like that. If you suffer from kindness, use a fillet of about six to eight ounces. Score the skin side with long shallow cuts, otherwise the fish will curl when heated, and your parents will tell you the truth about how you were adopted.

Now, add the fish to the water. A good guide is about eight to ten minutes per inch of fish. Test it with a fork if you’re concerned about sly germs, though I like to gamble. While the fish is poaching, simmer in butter the diced shallot and the garlic. Add a teaspoon of dill weed, one of mustard, and then turn down the burner. Slowly add a cup of cream, stirring it as you do. You may be drunk by now, so this step is important to follow correctly. What you’re making is a cream sauce to bathe the fish in before you inhale it.

When the fish is done, remove it from the water and arrange it on a plate. You’re nearly ready. If you haven’t burned the cream, your sauce should be nearly done. It should be a little bit thicker than the original cream, but I suppose you can thicken it to your own preference. Carefully bathe your slice of fish in an appropriate portion of sauce, and top with a sprig of parsley. Open your second bottle of wine now if it isn’t already, and sit quietly in the dark, alternately sipping wine and eating fish, communing with your inner Gollum. And there you have it. You may wish to lock your door as well, because if I smell salmon, I’ll be coming for it, and I’m pretty good with a broken wine bottle.