A day in the life

I read the news today, oh boy.
Brian Wills

As junior in college studying writing, I have found there are quite a few things lacking from the typical college curriculum. Sadly, as students we are told that it is more important for us to develop a refined set of ethics and competent math skills than it is to learn to cook and feed oneself in a healthy, or at least regular manner. We’re fed greasy dining hall food which we discuss luridly with our neighbor in the next stall as we evacuate 45 minutes later. And we wonder why our life spans will be shorter than our parents. Ethics are no good if you’re starving, or slowly killing yourself with Easy Mac induced scurvy and don’t even know it. The solution? Change what we learn, to make it more useful to our immediate survival. We lack vocational classes in higher education, which is why we must become young professionals so we can afford to pay people to do things for us we’re incapable of.

                Since many college students are uninterested in cooking and proper nutrition, I think it’s more important to make dishes delicious, fun, and most importantly, easy to cook while impaired or with marginal equipment. Being a control freak, I have taken it upon myself to rectify this issue personally. And so we rush out into the scary world of unprepared foods, foreign spices and crushing student loans that is life after college. To the grocery store!

Breakfast
                 Let’s plan out a day. Life is easy to take if you consider it in small bites, and you’re going to want to have some small bites when you wretchedly regain consciousness and wish to soften your hangover, so let’s get started. We’re going to want to gather breakfast. There are the obvious staples, milk and cereal, but have we considered the breakfast of champions? The one you eat after waking up and smoking a bowl, then having sex twice in a row all before you go watch the sunrise and finish your novel? I’m talking of course, about grilled tomatoes, with omelets of broccoli and extra sharp cheddar, complimented with one or four mimosas. How to begin? Firstly, purchase some tomatoes—on the vine, not those crappy beefsteaks you see sitting waxily in their green tissue paper. Those are tomatoes for posers. So, buy several on the vine tomatoes, and some jumbo eggs. Cholesterol be damned. Now, go back to the tomato aisle (I wanted to give you some exercise) and pick out a nice bouquet of broccoli. Look for something healthy, with no dark green, wet bits. This is rot, and a good way to waste toilet paper. Next, to the cheese aisle, which is probably near the eggs. I recommend local cheeses, but if you’re slumming, you can pick up a block of extra sharp white cheddar by Cracker Barrel. Too poor for a brand? No worries, they have generic versions of everything. You should already have a collection of champagne, so we’ll go to the orange juice cooler. Here, I allow some license. Buy what you like. Do you like it smooth, or with bits? Deliberate, and make sure you make the Right Choice. Keep in mind, orange juice with calcium, while a hallmark of artifice and more proof that our food is increasingly being mixed in a lab, is good for keeping your bones from getting brittle. You’re going to want those bones someday, so load up.
And so we have breakfast assembled. For the sake of continuity, I will detail the appropriate methods of construction immediately, so we can stay on track. Wash the broccoli well. If you don’t, probably nothing bad will happen, but you might also slowly go sterile from subtle pesticide poisoning. Begin by chopping the stems off of it. These trunky bits are not the most desirable part, and they should be discarded, like the dead limbs of diabetics. Carefully chop the broccoli into a manageable pile, the kind that you would find pleasing to chew without being overly large. A good indicator is that if you could roll it and smoke it, it’s the right size. Shred several slices of cheese. The usual expression is grate, but this fails to alliterate. Once you have assembled your ingredients, find a nice pan. You’re going to want one that’s at least as big as a regular dinner plate, preferably Teflon. After all, you don’t want to make extra work for the maids. Toss in a dash of olive oil, and coat the pan in the oil’s nonstick goodness. If you wish, you can use a commercial cooking spray, such as Pam.
Now, heat the pan on medium for a little while to get it ready. While you’re waiting, crack several eggs into a bowl, and add a few tablespoons of water, not milk. Water makes the eggs fluffier, while milk makes them heavy and cumbersome. Mix the eggs and water thoroughly, and get them very aerated. You may use machinery if you wish.
                 You’re nearly ready to start cooking. Pour a nine inch pancake of egg onto the pan. You can make it fairly thin, but try to keep it round and the proper size. Omelets are a lot like pupils, and people get weirded out when they’re irregularly shaped. Let this sit for a little bit, tilting the pan as necessary to let the egg on top cook. Check periodically, but when the egg on top is getting tacky you should add about half of a handful of broccoli to one side of the egg-pupil, arranged in a nice semicircle, in tandem with the edge of the egg. It should look like an eyeless face, smiling in its blind ignorance. Coat this with an appropriate amount of cheese, and let it melt slightly.
                  Now, the tricky part. Carefully lift the opposite side of the egg pancake up, and make sure it’s all unstuck. Then, with a deft wrist flicking maneuver, turn this half of the omelet on top of the other one, making a semicircle of egg, not dissimilar in shape to a pirogue. You’re probably going to fuck this up the first few times. If you’re cooking for someone else, make sure you blame the pan. An inability to fold an omelet could signal impotence to your peers, who, despite what they say, will judge you. Though you don’t have to flip the omelet, it shows your skill to whoever may be watching. Once the cheese has firmly cemented the thing together, slide it onto a plate, and put a little dome of foil over it to keep it warm, lest it congeal into a slab-like monument of lost virility. It’s now time for the tomatoes. Though the process can be more streamlined, it is easier to follow in this way. Next time feel free to do it all simultaneously.
Begin by washing the tomatoes free of the chemical bath which so encourages them to thrive and slice them into the thirds, sideways. Your end result will be three top-to-bottom cross sections of tomato, more or less of equal thickness. Do this for several, and place them on a cookie sheet lined with foil. Grind pepper liberally on top, and add a fair amount of salt. Then add some of your shredded cheese, enough to cover the top of the tomato. If you wish, you can put a dollop of olive oil on the top of each one to aid the crisping process. Beware of too much olive oil, as it tends to start embarrassing fires. Your oven should be set to broil, and you should then place them inside, on an upper rack. Watch them carefully, as all ovens vary. You can have a pull off the champagne now if you like. Remove them when the cheese is beginning to crispen and brown in a delicious way. Slide two of them up against the edge of your omelet, and make yourself a strong mimosa, about three parts chilled champagne to one part orange juice. You’re now ready to eat. Carpe diem!

Lunch

                Though your morning might have begun with the best of beginnings, there is a chance that you may have yet still had what in all respects is a shitty day thus far. Maybe your car got towed with your dog inside. Perhaps you’re pregnant, or maybe that hangnail you were gnawing idly at has begun to bleed, spotting your favorite Egyptian cotton oxford shirt. Whatever terror has conspired to ruin your day, never fear. The Panini is here. Lame catch phrases aside, the Panini is a wonderful alternative to the rather bland American “sandwich”. Meaning “little bread” in Italian, to us it means “delicious grilled sandwich”. I’m going to assume that you have the following standard ingredients in stock: fresh basil, balsamic vinegar, garlic, extra virgin olive oil, mozzarella cheese, and some tomatoes (you know the kind). The nonstandard ingredients you’ll need to have acquired beforehand are some specimens of the venerable purple eggplant, some Focaccia squares, goat cheese and Tapenade. Now, some facts. In terms of Italy, you probably know all about Mussolini, but nothing about Foccacia or Tapenade. And thus the failure of our education system is again exposed to the bone. Foccacia is a type of Italian flatbread, which I suggest you buy, as it is time consuming to make. Tapenade is an olive and caper puree, and I also suggest you look around at the grocery store for it, unless you feel like hanging out with your food processor all afternoon. On the upside, it does require brandy, so you can drink that while you wait if you choose to make it.

              Anyway, enough of the paltry palate education. If you’re sad about your crushing ignorance, I suggest you develop a larger vocabulary, so you at least have something to hide behind. I’m going to assume you have an oven leftover from breakfast; turn that on to broil, so it preheats. Chop up about five or six basil leaves, and a couple cloves of garlic. I bet that was awfully boring. Maybe you should get a food processor like any modern middle class household. Gut, slice into strips and briefly broil two red peppers. Next, cut the eggplant crosswise into ½ in thick slices. Use a sharp knife, as a dull one will merely glance off of the eggplants’ purple armor, and deeply wound you. No one likes a cook with bloody hand wounds, and vegetarians are especially critical. Coat the eggplant slices with olive oil and broil them for several minutes, until they are tender. You may need to flip them. While you’re waiting, split some of the Focaccia bread in half, and spread the Tapenade liberally one side. I like to dip my fingers in the Tapenade and lick them clean while chuckling softly, in a small and roguish affront to hygiene.  

               Mix together the chopped basil and garlic and add a couple of tablespoons of vinegar. God, that’s a boring sentence. I hope you have music playing in the background or something. Moving back to our spread covered bread, pile it liberally with some slices of mozzarella and a little crumbled goat cheese. Add a tomato slice. Join the tomato with an eggplant slice, and top with the garlic and basil mixture. What a delicious pile of neighbors! Top with some grilled pepper slices, and put the remaining piece of bread on. It looks good, doesn’t it? Broil it extremely briefly in the oven, to get the cheese to melt slightly and warm the bread, then place it on a plate and cut diagonally. Cutting into rectangles is for squares. Serve with some brie cheese and crackers, and a bottle of dry Chianti. Two if you’ve just ruined a good shirt.

Teatime
Well, it’s four pm. You’re drowsy, and need a bit of a pick me up for the early evening before you head out to the Cabaret. It’s time for tea. Though it might seem like tea is a simple thing to construct, requiring little to no instruction, I assure you that you’re nothing short of wrong. Firstly, you need a variety of teas in stock. I recommend Twinings, the Michael Jordan of teas. And forget bags. Are you kidding me? Bagged tea is for the recently divorced and to stop the bleeding on shaving cuts. You want it loose.
              Ideally, also will want a Brita filter, as your tea is going to assume the subtle flavor of the water you make it with. This means if you battle your way to the head of the refugee line to get that half a jug full of muddy cholera juice, your tea will suffer for it, more then you think you have. Boil the water in a kettle, and then transfer it to a pot, preferably one with a built-in infusing mesh. If you lack this, make sure you have a tea bell or a strainer. If you’re using a tea bell, you’re probably alone, and likely to remain that way. The first step to finding someone who will love you again is buying a proper strainer. I recommend adding two heaping spoonfuls of loose tea (Earl Grey is my personal favorite) to the teapot, and letting it steep for five minutes. No drinking while you wait. This is one of the only times of the day when it’s worth it.

               Pour the tea through a strainer into your mug. If you’re English and of the upper class, you will add milk first, then the tea. This is a ridiculous holdover to the days when bone china would crack if hot liquid was introduced suddenly. If you insist upon milk and sugar, so be it. The purist does without. Adding milk and sugar is like wine tasting while chewing gum. Enjoy your tea while snacking upon some mildly sweet crackers, or tea cookies. Girl Scout cookies are particularly well suited to this. Some personal favorites are Samoas, or Thin Mints. Try and sit outside if it’s warm, and enjoy your brief siesta. You earned it. And even if you didn’t, somewhere, someone did, probably to make something you bought, and you should raise your mug to them.

Dinner
So you got those bloodstains out of your shirt, and now you’re murdering a six pack of PBR in front of the six o’clock news. Nothing good as usual, so you begin to think about dinner. What better meal to have while watching the bombs fall on brown people than grilled salmon steaks with zucchini and a Caesar salad? Crushing the last can in your hand with resolve, you make you way to the kitchen, and unpack the salmon steaks which you bought on your way home from work. Preheat your grill to medium if it’s gas, and begin the charcoal cone if it’s not. The salmon is simple; you merely need to dust it lightly with a coating of Goya Adobo spice, which is a blend of salt, garlic, oregano and turmeric. After this, grate liberally with black pepper, and top with a squirt of lemon juice. A word on salmon. It’s not good to eat it too often, as most salmon these days comes from a tub full of fish to which they feed feces and dye to make them pink and healthy looking. They still taste delicious, but a diet of poop-eating fish is not an image you wish to project. Please, think of your reputation.

           Prepare several zucchini by washing them and cutting them into slices. Think for a moment about sub-Saharan Africa. Life is largely unpleasant there. They lack zucchini, for one. You should use the proceeds from your novel to help out with that.
            Anyway, top the zucchini with a splash of olive oil, and a liberal mixture of Italian spices, such as oregano, crushed red and black pepper, rosemary, garlic, onion, parsley and salt. If you wish to make your own spice mixture, I encourage it, but I would recommend using an Italian spice grinder for the purpose. Factories are remarkable places, so take a moment to enjoy consumer artifice and culture. Then, take these items out to the grill, and begin the cooking process. Do a quick appraisal of the situation. Is the wine open?
Now, to being the Caesar salad. By now, you should have some staples in your pantry. For the salad, you will need some anchovies in oil, dry Coleman’s mustard, Worcestershire sauce, red wine vinegar, parmesan cheese and romaine lettuce. Do not attempt to substitute iceberg for the romaine, even if you like it better. I’m afraid you’re just going to have to adjust; iceberg lettuce is for poor people and smokers who can’t taste any longer. Anyway, in a large bowl, place ½ a cup of your extra virgin olive oil. To this, you will wish to add five anchovy fillets, which you will then use the backside of a spoon or fork to thoroughly mash into a pulp. Feel free to eat the rest of the anchovies, and while you’re doing this, crush two or three cloves of garlic and add it to the mixture as well. Toss in a half teaspoon of the dry mustard powder, and a dash of Worcestershire sauce. This is an okay time to pack a bowl if you wish; pretty soon you’re not going to need to think much. Grind in a very generous quantity of black pepper, and toss in a couple tablespoons of lemon juice. Because this is beginning to sound like a recipe, you should go outside and check on the fish and zucchini. Look up at the stars, and find north. Make sure you know exactly how insignificant you are. The more often you prove this to yourself, the less difficulty you will have with ethical problems in the future, because by virtue of the transitive property you learned in college math, those other people don’t matter much either. The veggies will cook faster than the fish, which needs to be check for doneness with a fork.
When you get back inside, add three tablespoons of red wine vinegar to the salad, and a crap-load of parmesan cheese. You’re going to want to stir this very well, and then let it sit, without adding any leaves. When the fish is done, arrange it on a plate with the zucchini, and pour yourself a big glass of pinot noir, the more expensive, the better.

                  Toss the romaine with the dressing you made, and add some diced tomatoes, if you wish. Sprinkle it heavily with parmesan, and enjoy your salmon and zucchini with the salad. Make sure you have a baguette and brie on hand with another baguette slit down the centerline toasted with garlic butter and cheese as sides. Sprinkle the garlic bread with parsley if you wish. After dinner, you’re going to want to sit and bloat, preferably outside, so you can enjoy some glorious farts with little repercussion. It should be good and late now, and it’s time for the ideal dessert.

Dessert

                  After you’re done polluting the atmosphere, return indoors and fill a rocks glass half way with ice. You should have a bottle of Jameson triple-distilled Irish whiskey on hand, found in the coping section of the liquor store, and you should pour this slowly over the ice until just after it being to float. Swirl gently, and retire to a chair or hammock, then sip while considering the sweet lovemaking you’ll be doing in a few hours. Try to avoid thinking about politics, as this is nice whiskey and you don’t want to sully it. And so another day ends. You can now laugh knowingly at the sallow skin and large, fast forming bruises of your scurvish and malnourished peers. Go to sleep tonight thinking of what delicious delights the morning will bring, and be sure leave a glass of water beside your bed. Did you brush your teeth? What about flossing? Actually, who the hell flosses anyway? Goodnight, and may your olive oil always be extra virgin.